Edward's thoughts
by Sorcha123
Summary: What was Edward thinking when he left in New Moon? here is my version


**Disclaimer****: i do no own Edward or any of the charectors mentioned in this story, nor do i own the story line. **

I am a monster. I have only brought hurt and agony to those I love. I will never be able to change. I am selfish. My selfish wants have nearly killed her. I risk her by staying in this room. Her blood sings to me and my heart rips. I think of how I love her and how I can only hurt her. That deathly evil within yearns for her blood. I would be her end. Our love was condemned before it begun. She never stood a chance. If I gave in to her demands, I would destroy her soul. If I didn't, I would kill her. It was inevitable. I closed my eyes as the pain wrenched through me.

I would never be enough for her. I could never be safe for her. I would only ever be a source of pain. My love for her would kill us both. I only showed her how love could go badly, how it could tear at the flesh, at the soul. Her soul. She was too precious to risk. Too loving to love as inadequately as I did. Too trusting to be trusted with. I should never have risked her for my own selfish wishes.

She turned, restless in sleep, and winced as she landed on her arm. The gash still hummed. It drew out the monster in me. The one that would end her perfection. I could not mangle that perfect vessel that held my only love. It would kill me. I hung my head in shame. I feared myself for the hurt I could cause her. The hurt I _would _cause.

The image of Bella floated to my mind from another. She was dressed in black, in a graduation robe. She was smiling in the rare sun as she waved to the crowd. The faces of others were blurred, unimportant in this dream. I recognised the tenor of the thoughts as Charlie's. He dreamt of the future he wanted to give his daughter. A future that I could not give her. She might not live to see it with me. She danced through the crowd easily in his mind. Her grace was immeasurable and she shone with joy as she hugged her father. The dream faded into darkness. An abyss that I would bring.

I was not worthy of her love. This angel needed to be safe. She needed to be held, and loved and cared for with no risk to her life from that love. I couldn't even be near when her need was evident. She had sent me away, seeing the monster in my eyes. I could kill her quicker than Jasper. I am her worst enemy. I didn't deserve her forgiveness, yet she gave it willingly. I would never forgive myself. I could never forget.

"Edward." she whispered in her sleep. My eyes were drawn to her. She didn't see how dangerous I was, she never did. I had warned her countless times. It was never going to be enough. I knew that when I had accepted her misguided love. I didn't deserve her. I am a monster. I don't deserve love. I only bring death. Her forgiveness means I risk her again. She goes willingly to her death? She has so much in her life. How could I take that away? Yet, I had before. I denied her normalcy. I denied her life. I have taken so much from her. I have nothing to give. She would give me her soul too, if I allowed it. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve her love. She didn't deserve her life taken away from her as I did every day. She would not have a life soon. I would destroy the one I loved. My heart ached as I turned away from her still form. The guilt weighed upon me, more immense than I ever felt it. Even my rebellious days didn't bring this pain. I had killed many before, only she would be an innocent. I would steal her life away and she would no doubt forgive me. I would never forgive myself. I was an insignificant blip on the world. I didn't matter. I was nothing. I was a murderer. I didn't want to continue killing. I knew I would, given time.

My thoughts spiralled on, unending. I would destroy us both. How could I stop? How could I save her? I needed to save her. I needed her to be safe more than I needed to live. She mattered more than I ever could. She was my life. Only if she continued, could I. How could I ensure her safety? How could I take away the risk I held for her? To remove the threat, one removes the cause. I thought of Charlie's dream for his daughter. I did not figure in it. I did not need to. She could live without me. She didn't need me as I needed her. She was human; humans' wounds heal with time.

My heart wrenched within me as I thought of the possibility, the pain twisted my face. It would kill me to leave her. It would kill her if I were to stay. I would not put myself first again. I would not risk her again. I would not be that selfish. If I must die to save her, then so be it. I resigned myself to my fate and gazed softly at her. My love. She had already saved me, it was my turn now. I walked solemnly to her bed. Her forehead was warm and sweet as my lips brushed it. I longed not to go, to stay forever. I knew the impossibility of such a wish and turned away from the hope that intertwined it. A shaft of moonlight shone on my angel's face, illuminating her for me alone. I would always remember her. I would long for her for eternity. Our love would never die. I turned to the window.

I could not leave like this. I needed to say goodbye, to hear her sweet voice again. I glanced at her once more and slipped out her window to face my family. They would not be happy. They must see my reasoning. We must save her. I could not bear to loose her. I would not speed the process by harming her myself. They must see that. I loved her too much to risk her life, and her love, by staying. She would see me as the monster I am soon, I could not bare the possibility. I imagined the hurt and fear that would invade her eyes when she finally saw me. I would be selfish in choosing never to see that. I must convince them of the need to leave her.


End file.
